I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
