remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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