If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
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I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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