I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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