i think my tv is drunk
Don't make out with my wife yet
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
