what day is it and did you see me today?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
