My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
