One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
