Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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