well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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