Soap is not a condiment
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
