we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
