I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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