just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
