you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
