feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
