look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
