We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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