I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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