burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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