areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
