I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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