so let's talk penis.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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