I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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