think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
