forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
