I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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