Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
