he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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