Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
