I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have feelings that need drinking.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
