I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
