New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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