The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
