Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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