When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
