Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
