Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
