he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
