you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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