I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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