My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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