I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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