I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
