it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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