can we get nightvision for the apartment?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
