Got a toothbrush?
My nipple is on Facebook.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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