Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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