Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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