I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
