Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
