I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
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We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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