Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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