I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
