sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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