the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
