Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
BRING THE BAGELS
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
