On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
